I’m going to start this post off by saying I do not profess to be a relationship expert. Not by any means. However I’d like to think I’ve been through enough in my past relationships to know a thing or two about them.
It started around the age of 17, I’d met a guy, he seemed amazing. He was older than me, seemed charming and all the rest. All the things a naive teenager looks for I suppose. If I could go back and coach my past self through this, things would be so much different. I was sucked into a world-wind romance, one where I abandoned all my family and friends, moved away from home and completely secluded myself from the life I knew.
I won’t bore you with too many details, I mean what I went through was what I would describe as hell. Although I’m sure a lot of people have been through worse than what I went through. I saw my life through rose tinted glasses when in fact, my life was filled with abuse; emotional, verbal and physical. Constantly told I wasn’t good enough. Destroying my self esteem a little more each passing day.
Over the next few years, nothing improved. Desperately wanting out but not knowing how. I had no friends, no family; I was alone. One day we ventured out and I remember thinking, my god, I miss my family an insane amount, I can’t do this anymore. So that was it, a letter was written explaining why I needed to go, why I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Once he’d gone to work, it was posted through the letterbox, along with my key. I phoned my dad and he brought me home.
Once you’ve been through something like that, no matter how bad it gets, it’s hard to not fall into the same type of relationship again. Because I was so young, it had almost become the “norm” in my head for a relationship to be like that. My next two we’re just that. Not to that extent, but I fell into the same traps of not feeling good enough, constantly apologising for doing nothing wrong, and letting my ex-partners get away with things they really shouldn’t have.
2017 was the year I found who I was again. It’s been a long slog and taken a lot of effort on my part, not to hide who I am and not to accept being taken for granted, but I’m there. It sounds weird but I’ve missed me. I think blogging has helped a lot over the past year or so because it’s a great outlet for venting, and also writing about your loves and passions. For me it’s a fab way to focus your mind and energy.
I also have to pin some of this on my current partner, he’s fantastic and has let me be myself from day dot. He’s truly taken the time to get to know me, the good, the bad and the face I wake up with on a morning (#TheUgly). And guess what, he’s still here 🙂 so I must be doing something right. He’s given me the time to let me find myself, to let me discover things about myself that even I didn’t know.
Here’s to you if you’ve been through it and come out of the other end! It’s not easy, but you did it. To those who are going through things and want to get out…do it, take the chance, trust me, it’s worth it.